A Trans Woman’s Journey: From Secret Beginnings to Facing New Fears

After many years of cross-dressing since I was a young teenager (I was a late developer in trans terms) back in the early 70s, when relatively little was known about being trans, I lived the life that my body said I should, eg, male. I was a good sports person, and whilst I was not attracted to men, I did not have a lot of confidence either with girls. However I got married when quite young (23) and some years later we had a son. My cross dressing became a very guilty secret.

However the birth of my son in 1990 sort of consolidated my growing depression and unease about my gender identity. We sought marriage guidance and I sought professional help. I did not want to be trans but increasingly felt I could not carry on living as I was. I knew, especially in those days, that this could be disastrous in every way. So it proved to be.

I came to the realisation that I was trans and that I needed to have HRT and very quickly wanted full reassignment.

I had no idea if I would ‘pass’ or be accepted as female but it was a road that I had to travel down. Nobody in their right mind would choose to do this which is also why I am not a fan of self ID because some people may have more complicated motivation which requires some form of professional support, counselling (as well as identifying those very few bad actors who might want to abuse others).

In a very short space of time I was sacked from my career as a QS, my marriage (understandably) failed but my mother and brother (my father died when I was 10) also disowned me, as did virtually everybody I knew. I became an activist and fought my ex employer in the courts and in the end settled out of court to pay for my surgery. In the intervening two years I had started working in the care sector and eventually became, some 24 years later, an area manager for a disability charity. I did a degree in psychology and rebuilt my life. Luckily I had a feminine physique and HRT helped greatly for me to be accepted.

After my surgery my ex and family stopped me seeing my then four year old son. I fought that too in the courts although it took nearly two years from our lives. My son accepted me fully as G*** in the first two years of my transition as do most young children of trans parents. It was the adults who had a problem.

I went on Newsnight, Richard and Judy morning show and did radio interviews for a year or two whilst fighting my cause in the courts. My ex remarried and  her new husband was remarkably accepting and I think helped my ex accede to me seeing our son. Initially limited but very quickly when our loving relationship was obvious and my own acceptance publicly as female was also apparent.

As the years passed by my family also relented and by then I had decided that as a woman perhaps I should explore relationships. Its quite complicated but I never felt ‘gay’ as male or female so had several relationships with men, which I enjoyed and so I now consider myself as heterosexual female. I even had an intimate affair with a man who knew nothing about my past. He did not need to as it was only ever going to be an affair. I have a perfect relationship with my son and his new wife, her family, my ex and most of my sons friends also know he has two mums and they all when younger used to stay ove, camp in the garden etc. None of those parents ever stopped them visiting because I might be some sort of weird sexual predator.

However for the last 21 years I have been with the same guy and whilst he knows my past his family (from Ireland) do not know (maybe change Ireland too). My anonymity is now quite precious to me as I just want to live my life in peace and dignity. We got married and moved  abroad (Germany) but if shared publicly perhaps the country could not be shared? Partly because we both were upset over Brexit.

I worked for 25 years in the care sector supporting vulnerable adults. Never have I had an issue over being trans and as the years passed and staff turned over most people had no idea about my history. I passionately believe in equality because I worked with people who are also discriminated against in society (learning disabled adults with complex behaviours).

Now after 33 years tihs bigots charter opens the door for transphobes to misinform the public, use their bigotry and fear to put at risk our tiny minority.

There is no clarity whatsoever because trans men (now ‘women’) often have a penis and outwardly are indistinguishable from other men. Just as I am accepted fully as female. However if challenged or if a person who did know my past but was themselves bigoted any of us could be accosted in public, vilified for using the ‘wrong’ facilities and put a great risk of physical harm not to mention emotional distress every time we access facilities.

It is utterly appalling.

I wish I felt braver and was prepared to out myself to fight against this injustice but at the age of 67 I’m not sure that fight is still in me.

It feels like we’ve gone back to the 70’s and 80’s sadly.